I Didn't Love Him, I Loved That He Let Me Escape
by Eets
Summary: Narcissa Malfoy didn't love him, she just needed a way out. Narcissa X Remus One Shot.


**A/N:** I know the dates etc. are a little off in this story regarding Narcissa and Remus only being a year apart but it works better for the story – artistic licence? No one belongs to me, they are all the work of the fantastic Ms. Rowling. Except Rachy Jones!

I suppose the first time I saw him, I mean really _saw _him, would have been when I was in fifth year. He was in the year below me and I'd never given him a second thought. It was the Quidditch House cup, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin so you understand, tensions were high.

Much to our disappointment those Gryffindor losers had won, the celebratory feast that night was going to be unbearable; many Slytherins had pledged not to go. I had intended to remain with the rest of our gang in the Common Room – The Carrows, Regulus, Severus, Lucius, Rodolphus and Rabastan. However, Bellatrix insisted upon my coming to the feast. Although she didn't say it aloud, I knew why she wanted to go.

She and Black (Sirius, I mean. The blood traitor brat) had been close as children; Andy and I used tease that she preferred his company to ours. Of course that all changed around the time he was ten or so, around the time it was apparent he was not like the rest of us. She didn't entirely reject him then, they were still much closer than Andy or I was with him or his brother. The true estrangement began the second he was sorted into Gryffindor. I was forbidden to tell anyone of their former friendship; she hated him, I see that well, but I can also tell that she still wished he was her little buddy, her confidante.

And so that is how Bellatrix and I came to be seated at the rather empty Slytherin table that night. The huge double doors leading to the Entrance Hall slammed open, suddenly shocking me. All eyes flew to the back of the Hall as the victorious Gryffindor team swarmed through the doors, clutching that huge gleaming Cup. I heard Bella hiss and tense up beside me. Black was performing some sort of idiotic dance with his dunce of a friend Potter; I saw Bella's eyes follow him to the table.

My cold and icy eyes followed too as they sat down with their group and that, precisely, was the moment I saw him. And he saw me, I could feel it. I know, this is such a cliché but it's true. I felt myself melt a little, I felt that if you looked at me I might seem happy or that my steely eyes might seem warm. It felt like with this one look, he had thawed me out. I didn't even know his name.

Bellatrix nudged my elbow, making my chin slip off of my palm. I jerked upright and glared at her, my Ice Queen exterior returning rapidly. "'Trix." I hissed angrily, she knew that she'd humiliated me and made me look a mooning fool. Our relationship had always been one huge battle for power.  
She stared haughtily back at me, "Why were you staring at that filthy half-breed?" she demanded imperiously. She was not, at this point, making a reference to his condition but to his blood status. I shrugged.  
"Trying to recall its name and blood status. Thank you for the reminder."  
"Lupin. And of course it wouldn't be on _our_ tree, look at the state of its robes."

Remus Lupin. The name was unfamiliar upon my tongue yet it filled my head endlessly for the next two weeks. His face and his eyes and his hair. I had no lessons with him, being in different years; meal times were my only opportunities to steal glances at him. What pitiful meagre opportunities they were! I had Lucius and Rabastan watching me like hawks practically every damn minute of the meal (they knew as I did that they were my most likely candidates for husbands when we left Hogwarts) and if their guard ceased then I knew Bella's eyes would be boring my skull before I had the chance to take breath.

But steal glances I did and sometimes he was looking at me. Straight at me, and I would melt. I lived for those moments of delighted warmth, I became addicted and I lived for those precious seconds.

The next two weeks and I began to wonder what we'd talk about should we happen to make conversation. The two weeks after and I thought about how secure and tight or loose and warm his hugs would be. The two weeks that followed that saw my mind become more than preoccupied, downright obsessed, with the feel of his lips on mine. The softness. Just think, if his very looks made me feel like a half-decent human being then just think what his kiss could do to me!

I revelled in this thinking, these thoughts of being good like him. In fact, that's not right. It wasn't his goodness that allured me. I knew nothing of that then... It was simply his amiability; I longed not to have to sneer and arrange my features into that haughty mask. I hadn't smiled in about three years.

All this time, I had been coveting those little looks and wanting to scream in exultation every time my glance was returned. His gaze was curious and open. I began to speculate, if he had engaged this exchange of looks first - would he have received such an open look in return? I doubted it. My natural instinct is to glare and scoff.

Soon, it was the end of term. We had yet to speak. As the clock struck eleven, the school began to pour out of the front doors like a river, unstoppable. I joined my friends, tumbling down the stairs into the Entrance Hall, awaiting my summer of freedom. But a strong arm wound itself round mine and pulled me under the staircase. I turned, impatient, to come face to face with the very object of my obsession: Remus Lupin.

"Narcissa Black." He had said my name, oh Merlin was I still breathing? I nodded.  
"Why the hell do you keep staring at me?" His voice was furious. I blinked in confusion. This was not how things had begun in my head...  
"You're damned Slytherin. One of Sirius' hated cousins. He's told me what you lot are like. Is this some sort of psychotic power game?" I was nearly crying, he was angry. He didn't like me, he didn't see the way he had made me.

I heard a pathetic whimpering sound and realised it was coming from my lips. Damn. I clutched the wall, don't let the tears come. His hand found my shoulder and wrenched me upright roughly. It was not a gesture of comfort.  
"I don't mean to hurt you. Just leave me alone, please." He walked away. We never spoke again.

The next term I heard he had begun dating Rachel Jones, another unknown half-blood. I saw her picture in a paper once, she looked as warm as he did. They deserved each other, I remember thinking. Two weeks after hearing of this pairing I finally agreed to go to Hogsmeade with Lucius.

The Dark Lord mentioned him once too. Mentioned that he had married my niece. I would have laughed at the irony except that I hadn't smiled for twenty nine years.

The next time I saw him, after our... talk was that night, in the Great Hall. His body lay still and unmoving, still in shabby robes He lay next to a woman whom I presume was my niece; she was pretty and although she was dead I knew she would have been very warm. Andy was one of the warmest people I knew. I wept that night and clutched the blankets around me trying to feel something, a feeling that has eluded me for years. I'd been cold ever since fifth year, ever since Remus Lupin.


End file.
